The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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