Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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