just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
