i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
