What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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