Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
