either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
