Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
