Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I need a beard to bite.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
