There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
