Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
