Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
