Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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