I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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