i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Be still, my beating vagina.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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