you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize