while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize