There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
