just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I did not marry a roomba.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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