Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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