I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
