You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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