I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
