I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize