i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
