can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want her autograph on my taint
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
