I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
