Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
