Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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