I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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