Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
