There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
