i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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