You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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