Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
