WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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