He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize