Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
