I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
