Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
