Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
