So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
