Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
