onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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