I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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