I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
