ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize