why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
