Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
