I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
