you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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