thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
