And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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