Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I did not marry a roomba.
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