I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
