I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
