their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
