So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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