Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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