I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
