At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
