You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she smelled like a LAN party
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
