i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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